Matthew is two months today. This will be one of those scattered thoughts kind of posts just because I want to try to capture my thoughts and feelings at the time. A few weeks after one of those middle of night feedings I got hit with this wave of feelings. Of course I cared for Matthew deeply from the first moment I held him when he was 15 days old and even the 1st time I knew he might possibly be our son at 6 days old he filled my prayers. This was the feeling, the bond, that I can't imagine our family without him. I suddenly realized how his weight, smell, and little gestures are all known to me and so special. Almost immediately following came the feelings of sadness for not being able to protect him before he was born, for his birth mom's never being able to experience this, and how her impossible situation made this possible for me. And also I grieved that I never experienced this time with Teresa. She was born at almost the same gestation as Matthew, just a bit bigger, spent time in NICU, and was about his age now when she was in foster care the 1st time. We weren't foster parents then. In fact we realized recently that a newspaper article that was published several months later that was one of the factors that caused us to persue foster parenting actually mentioned her original time in foster care.